blue forever like an island sky

catalyst kiss.

little grey floating.

over musty lights on both ends.

world market candels.

and strumming sound.

little bright surfaces.

with deep undertones.

and giggle smiles.

no words construe.

endless conversations with you.

sorry, incapable.

i'm freely falling now,

into a bed of clover,

fighting the end.

gently turning over.

i'm saturated,

filled to the top.

i'm over the level,

where i can safely stop.

i'm checking the vital signs,

that something in me is still alive,

fingers to my wrists,

hoping ingrained tapping in me,

still exists.

i'm closing one eye,

as i'm still turning over,

seeing a new character,

as my future seems graver.

the green is seeping beneath me,

as wave goodbye.

finally turned over,

to face the sky.

you cant come and save me.

and don't ask about my appetite.

lastly, i hate capital letters.

young and full of running

running rooted from an image problem i had sophomore year, and it stemmed from a sanity issue I got soon after. people who know me know i run around six miles each day. people who don’t know me normally think I’m insane. people who do know me know that I am.

each time I put on my tattered running shoes I’m taking a dose of medication, in the form of fresh air, alone time, and movement. the most essential thing about running, for me at least, is having an hour dedicated to thinking freely. without that hour I would have driven myself nuts. it’s an hour to meditate and ease my mind, to forgive myself and to think ahead. i don’t listen to music for the first couple miles. as much as I adore music, sometimes having other people’s thoughts pounding at my ear drums ruins the pureness and the trueness of my own thoughts. i would like to hear my thoughts as well.

but music eventually does play its role in my run. normally nothing fast pace. fast pace songs make me run a lot faster, and as much as i don’t like admitting this, i don’t run to go fast, i run to stay sound. i run to see the changes in the sky, feel the air in the seasons alter, and to hear the leaves crinkle in the fall and the birds sing in the spring.

however I do wonder sometimes, what the fuck am i running from? or running to? or since i’m eventually running back home, did I really go anywhere? i know for a fact I’m not running to a place on a map. so what in my mind am I running from? am I running six miles away from insanity, or running six miles towards sanity? running to euphoria, or away from depression? or since i’m really going no where, am i just working to maintain my level of life, not really doing anything, just remaining. am I six miles away from the things I don’t want in my life, or six miles closer to discovering what that is?

throughout my runs, i’ve been down paths and roads I never knew of. i’ve ran into friends I haven’t seen in ages, and noticed the earth in ways i’ve never dreamed of. i’ve discovered people can’t see you dancing if you run at night, and that tripping is really embarrassing on claiborne. I’ve noticed the things you can’t see in a car, and I’ve stopped in a field and screamed to the sky when I discovered that my life was a enchanted, magical, beautiful creation from a complex web of coincidences and happenings and if one of those had been different, I wouldn’t be here or I wouldn’t be now. i ran at top speed when I declared myself separated from you and mended myself, for the millionth time. I ran in the narrow streets in Italy, with the infamously flirtatious men egging me along. I ran in the refugee camps in gulu, uganda, in the heart of africa. and through the eiffel tower while the vendors handed me a slice of bread to sample jokingly each time I ran past.

(yes that's me)

i’ve run because I can and I’ve run because I felt like I had to.

but in the end I run because it’s my treatment.

dosage, the amount of miles, is determined by the emotions of the day.

the other day, kevin and i were talking about how what kind remedies of some people have. john mayer; weed, conor oberst; alcohol.

well, me; running.

just because i'm blind doesn't mean i'm lost

I’ve thought a lot recently about the way I think. Which is weird, trying to dissect my mind and my eyes. I’ve seen the world through the same perspective for all I can remember and all I’ve known. But what is it really? Is it really the way I see it? I rely on my eyes to show me the world so much, but really there’s more to life then I can see. Eyes are just tools to see the world in certain light; they do not show you the world. So what is the world to me? It’s rock in the eternal, intricate, obscure design of the galaxy. A dust in the compounds of infinity. Where billions of years evolution and of DNA swapping take credit for the delicate structure of life itself. Where minds are neutrons and movements are muscle contractions.

Or a simple place were things grow and things die. And things think and they write. They smile and they laugh. Where they do unreasonable things for no scientific reasons. They play instruments and flail uncontrollably to the beat. Things cry when they’re sad. Things sleep when they’re tired. Things love when they are loved. Things are things being things.

So what is this.

bleak

opposites

it's weird that whenever i say something,

the exact opposite happens.

its like admitting is resolving.

i'm not sure how this always happens.

also,

i wish sleep was different.

i decided this today getting out of my car. i just really didnt want to stand up at that moment, it was raining and i was tired.

i wanted to pause things. to sleep. but the world doesnt go on while i sleep.

just things stop for a bit, no time missing, just until i feel a little better.

its overwhelming to me that i live all my life all at once right in a row.

i just need a break. i dont want to die, no i just want to stop living for a couple minutes. thats all.

blank

I feel mindless. I feel emotionless. music-less. I feel painless, joyless, heartless. wordless. contortionist.

I feel like I've been left out in the cold for too long.
except, the opposite. because my bodys not numb. no actually it's fine. it's my mind.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

too sad to give a fuck

lover you dont have to love

your sleepy songs

ive never been a sleeper
i sleep. but never as long as i should.
hardly tired, barely sleeping.
never bothered me.

we knew it'd be worse overseas.
time changes. airplanes.
you gave me your lullabies.
i guess you were worried.
"you'd have go be crazy to stay awake through this"

this little mix of slow harmonious melodies has yet to put me to sleep.
or anything near.
if anything, it keeps me up at night.

it's turned into an emotional alarm clock rather then a soothing goodnight.

the words bring me back to a time were things were easy, and the world was warm. but when i wake up from the dream, it sets off a frenzy of feelings I haven't felt since. and I plunge further then before.

it's not disappointing. I guess it's more expected.

still tonight i hit play, hoping, wishing, waiting to fall asleep. maybe ill ease my way into it, low volumes at first.

or maybe this will be a permanent reminder that for whatever the reason, I cannot put this to sleep.

"what's so simple in the moonlight by the morning never is"

motion sickness

i was somewhat passing time on the metro, reading a book. until my stomach starting turning and I felt like I was about to throw up all the peanuts I had just eaten. i hate motion sickness. then I was somewhat listening to music, but it made me feel sicker. and it was hot and crowded. picture of perfection. the door closed on my arm on the way out. people starting yelling and trying to open the door. once again I was thrown into the glares of strangers, I just wanted to blend in and not make a fool of myself tonight.

that didn’t happen at the resturant either. my table fighting. screaming practically. beyond humiliated.

I’m extremely nauseous now just writing this, sitting in the car as they fill out paper work for the money the machines took. just trying to pay for the parking. today sucked.

I have to stop writing or I’ll definitely puke.

as in what?

this is kinda stinky.

i'm doing homework intensely.

which hasnt really happened this year.

at all.

because i know i'm working till late tomorrow.

working.

havent said that in a while.

lets see.

i have to do math, government, teacher cadet, which i'm going to do a little now, ouch my eyes hurt.

i didnt have time today to feel alone.

thats cool too i guess.

friends

simple nights with simple friends doing simple things.
thanks for reminding me why I used to feel this way.

role models

are only good if you're still yourself.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

some days i feel unchanging.

or stuck.

today for example.

i feel old.

older then my age.

in a unsatisfying way.

or somedays

i simply feel

crowded

and unloving

i find it hard

to truely like

anything.

i feel like i have a wall.

or a heavy surface.

and i hate it.

no one can simply break it.

even those who could before.

i dont budge.

as much i want to.

i cant let myself feel anything.

towards anyone.

i think im a broken bone.

or a scar tissue.

how they get torn and broken over time.

and they come back stronger then before.

larger and less frail.

less likely to be broken again.

but i dont want to be numb.

i miss being feeble.

shifting.

willing.

amicable.

stupid gloomy day

this day is making negative progress.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

hi kevin

hello

today i discovered something important.

i figured out i am a wonderful complex beautiful creature. i'm an intricate design in the artwork of life and a dancing bird of paradise in a gloomy grey world. i’m the light at the end of the tunnels and I’m the bumble bees and the butterflies in flower beds of yellow and blue. I’m brighter then the sun and I’m the holes in the dark paper that allows the stars to shine in the night sky. I’m the piano in the empty stage with noises that fill the air and I’m the dust dancing in the musty lights. I’m growing older but I’m not growing up. I’m not afraid of the world; I’m in love with it. I’m the magic that makes fireflies glow and I’m the summer heat that warms them! I’m the grass we lay on and the sky we make pictures with. I’m the ocean we swim in and the jellyfish who dance endlessly. I’m the butterflies in your stomach and the lump in your throat. I’m where the wild things are, I’m the catcher in the rye. I’m enchanted and delightful. Vibrant and glowing. I’m deep purple and bright yellow. Turquoise and lime green.

I’m not giving up. No I’m not letting go. I’m allowing. I’m freeing. I’m taking this away and I’m giving it back to me. I’m not dwelling, I’m enabling. I’m not unloving, I’m loving myself. I’m not closing doors, I’m opening the windows. I’m not missing out, I’m giving myself back all the things I deserve. I’m not taking the easy way out, I’m falling in love with myself again and doing all the things you wouldn’t let me. I’m dreaming with a broken heart. I’m allowing myself to have a simple, happy, beautiful morning. And I’m seeing it all the way I was born to be. Without you. Thank you for reminding me. This is the last time I’m thanking you. This is the last time your reminding me too.

I’m believing the best is yet to come.

paintings

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

skin stretched over your bones.

What I love about winter and fall is that you can see the bone structure of the landscape. The trees are not hiding beneath a layer of green or trying to out number the others with its colors and flowers. They are bare and exposed. There’s something beneath it, like a book with an underlying meaning or a subliminal metaphor, the whole story isn't explained. Some is left for you to tell.

However, the cold seems to bring out an incongruous effect in people. While our bodies go numb our minds take the feeling, long lost in our toes and fingers, and our emotions go untamed. Depression, anxiety, and eating disorders all go up as the temperature lapses. You can see the twists and the intricate, obscure, unsolved, twisted branches that make up the skeleton of human existence underneath their patterned and ornate leaves.

Maybe we’re feeling all the things we didn’t while our bodies had sensory overload in summer; with all its colors, sounds, and smells. Aren't our eyes just there to see who can see beyond them? They're just another world interpreting tool. Not the only one. Or maybe we weren’t made to withstand the deadness of winter. Maybe we were meant to fly south with the birds to avoid the grey skies they way they do. Or maybe even dream those days away like a bear. Our skin and our bones we're meant to last through this bleakness if a damn bears wasn't.

But as far as I know, I’m going to live through this winter.

So bundle up your fridged frame & make sure no inch of your skin is showing. Pour something warm down your throat to thaw your stomach. Dream of better days, ones decorated with life and hues. Or wonder if the grey skies and the polar air will allow you to rid yourself of the vanities of life and discover what’s true.

The unadorned and unclothed framework and barebones of life.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

hour change

no wonder people get depressed in the winter

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

im gonna find out just how boring i am.

today was a whirlwind. it just seemed routine. until I fell asleep at 9. and woke up at 10. now I'm dispondent.



guess i'll do homework. my stomach is turning.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

poetry

spent most my day in panera.

doing homework.

sushi.

borders.

walt whitman.

phone

hi mattie.

Every two weeks, huh? I’m not really sure how that happened. Or didn’t happen I guess. But it did. All the days we spent and all the conversations we shared ended with the season, just like we swore it wouldn’t. It makes me sad when I think about it. Or when i’m telling stories about those days to other people, thinking about how they wouldn’t understand unless they were there, and I realize we let the closeness we formed go. And I realize what good friends we were and how we shared secrets that we promised not to tell anyone. And I can proudly say that still today no one knows those things. There were things I was more comfortable talking to you about then anyone else. I couldn’t imagine the season without you there. We were the outcast of the distance team really. Being that neither of us had done cross country like the other girls and that we would laugh and play while the others panted and sweated. Not to say we didn’t work hard. Cause we did. We went through the same miles and the same workouts. But we had more fun joking around in the sun then the other girls. I’ve never met someone who I instantly clicked with like you. Or felt so welcomed and accepted by. And I thank you for that. Thanks for making that rainy spring and those torturous runs bearable. For skipping out and leaving with me when the workouts were too burdensome. For being the only one who was equally as scarred as me the day when Henry lifted up his shirt. And for just being Mattie, because at that time of the year, that’s what I really needed.

So while we don’t dance in the cold rain running infinite circles on dirty black pavement singing at the top of our lungs, thinking for the warm summer days ahead; remember that I’m always here for you when you need me. Because you were there for me when I needed a Mattie.

To many days together before this year ends.
(hopefully)

Kara.

heavier things

i'm listening to my mom scream at the television. the caps game is on. i'm cold in my room. i'm listening to some relaxing music, doing things that make me stressed. i'm happy to be writing out how i'm feeling, which is overwhelmed. i'm thinking about whether the homecoming game will happen. i'm hoping. i'm full. i love having sushi. i'm sad i probably can't paint what i wanted to tonight. i'm loving john mayer's music. i'm stupid for putting off my homework. i'm content with doing so however. i'm glad carli kitto is my friend, i've always understood her. i'm avioding my physics, literature, teacher cadet, government, and math homework. i'm writing in the present tense. i'm done with looking for whats ahead. at least for this night. i'm finished with thinking this time of my life is a preamble for something better. i'm looking around now and realizing how much i have to live now, not later.

this is all a result for a simple fact:

i analyze too much.

sunrise and a sunset.

today was an awesome practice. :)

anyways, i hate how lifetime plays music all the time. i don't like running to music a lot. and now that its getting colder i have to run inside. i miss the silence.

lots to do.

display case.
teacher cadet paper.

northanger abbey.

physics.

did it all get real, i guess it's real enough.

i guess i did a lot of stuff this three-day weekend. i spent the first two days visiting colleges. which is really stupid. stupid and scary. i always figured there was always time enough that i wouldnt let it keep me down. most of the moments between the drifting around and the picture taking were spent imagining myself at the campus. then quickly returning to the notion that i dont have to worry about this yet. i'm in constant denial that the time is passing.

colleges are always different then how you picture them in your mind. i guess you'd never know what it looks like unless you saw the place. i can sum it up. in order i saw them.

app state. breathtaking. cover of Country Living material. little cabin town on the top of mountain. hippie town. cold. a top choice.

virginia tech. overwhelmingly large. kind of gloomy. love it.

radford. close to tech. little. i would feel like a senior in high school if i went there. just looking for where i'm applying next. not able to settle.

jmu. happy. just happy. cute little. mostly happy.

i went to sphinx with my friends when i got home. i loved the character of the place. the eyes in the front that watched you through the dimmed lighting and the smokey air. i shouldnt have liked it that much. but the a lightheaded spell each time i emptied my lungs gave me comfort and ease. a lot of the girls screamed and danced around. a lot of the boys tried to charm them. it was funny to watch.

i met a few people. which was the purpose really. i couldnt help but surmise them as stupid. one boy seemed actually cool at first. he talked of traveling, psychology, and culture. i liked it. until the bluntness and the simple mindedness he conveyed. when he said he wanted to kiss me, i nodded, i didn't want to kiss him. i didnt like how he said it outloud either. isnt that just suppose to happen? not be said. i'm glad he didnt try though. we continued to talk dispite the blunderingness of the seconds after he made that remark. it was still okay, until he asked me for the definition of "apathy". i walked away. see, i like smart boys. i hate it when people dont understand what i'm saying, whether its a philosophical conversation of just a defintion of a word. i truely my feelings for a boy were crippled the moment he asked me what "illogical" meant. i really dont even speak too abstrusely. but thats besides the point. the most meaningful words i got out of the other boy were "shit dawg shit". enough said.

anyways the senior stairwell looks great. i love school spirit and happy people. homecoming weeks seems to propagate both. i decided to paint crystal light boxes cause i didnt want to throw them away. ha. i'm stupid. but i like them. useless boxes, but i like how they turned out. boxes make better media then paper.

now i've got lots to do. math problem set. northanger abbey. maybe teacher cadet. maybe gov. so i'll be going. good night.

app state

is so beautiful. I love it so much. the mountains are orange. the town is cottagey. and hippies everywhere. i'm in love.

dance with her in kitchens in the greenest summer.

I JUST DON’T CARE. AT ALL.

Apathy is a skill I learned my sophomore year. Yes, I said skill. However the word “curse” is interchangeable. It, like a lot of things, is a paradox.

It frees but confines. It frees in the sense you are untroubled. You can dance in kitchens and sleep all afternoon. It restricts because if you live such a carefree life you can’t expect the rewards and the benefits of hard work. But to me, that’s not what matters. A lot of girls want arduous careers to verify that they made it and they don’t need a man to sustain them. However, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way. I do consider myself a feminist, and I would never want to have a man as a crutch, but to me there are so many more important things then my job. I’m not looking for a life that allows me to have a job. I’m looking for a job that allows me to have a life. My ultimate goal has never been to be an executive something or another or a chief whateveridontcare. To me it’s about having the time to paint and read the days to the away. Or the ability to take long runs and sit out on my deck with a cup of coffee and a few candles. I do want a job, I really do. I just hope whatever it is it allows me to think philosophically and really use my mind. I hope it allows me to live.

It simplifies and complicates. It’s simple not to do my precalculus homework. Real simple. See solving math problems doesn’t actually solve anything in my life. These problems are given to me, as a choice. A choice that cost me 5 imaginary points on a grade sheet. Which is really just a piece of paper. Which really has no affect on my life. So why care? I care because the ends justify the means. Because it’s not the fact that no real problems are going to be solved, it’s the fact that I’m solving and I’m learning. And there’s no real logic to it all. I’ll never understand why it matters. Why seeing an “A” and an “F” on a paper is so entirely different, while they are both just random symbols in a made up alphabet. But it does. It does matter, in the end, it changes everything. Life is a balance. You have to make something beautiful enough or spend such a wonderful day that you know that getting an F was justified. That F’s are not going to take away the fact that you had the best day on Tuesday. But you also have to get enough A’s so that you understand what hard work can do and that skipping hanging out with some friends one day can lead to better things for yourself. And you need that.


It takes away as much as it gives. Well, honestly, I’ve gotten to that last point in my preplanned, organized, tookmelotsoftime paper. Now I’m here and I can’t think of another example that can get my point across. Except for this, I have a lot better things to be doing with my life then this paper. Really. It was cool while it lasted. But I’ve deemed this paper a waste of my life, so this probably isn’t going to work out anymore. And honestly if I was you, I probably would have gotten bored and given up at the beginning of the second page. KUDOS. You probably get the point anyway.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the perfect sonnet

literature

physics

philosophy

ate

cheer

ran

talking on the phone with kevin

pave paradise and put up a parking lot

today was filled.
woke up, ate breakfast.
teacher cadet.
government.
precalc.
wanted to die of hunger.
ate.
went to school again.
took a government test.
went home again.
sat for five minutes.
changed.
went back to school.
cheer.
came home.
ate sushi.
ran.
tried to find the channel the caps game was on.
realized i still dont get the channel.
got mad.
went on a hour and a half walk with amy.
called casey.


about to physics.
and study lit vocab.



i'm excited for college things, however they make me want to die.
that's all.

oh yeah, and this is possibly my new car.
i love him a lot.

i would name him daisy.

make his licence plate karavan.

put flowers in him.

and light blue peace signs on the back.

and i would love him forever.

however its just a chance.

ol' yeller is fading fast.

i love my car alot.

but he will die soon.

and i dont want to be stranded.

love bug.

don't let your dreams be dreams.

if you think about it
you can go somewhere where its always summer
bahamas, costa rica.

you can go wheres its always winter
the north pole, greenland.

but there's no where you can go,
where it'll always be autumn.

the colors of the leaves that hang on to the oak trees,
will never be locked. they will cling and fall as they always do.

and gather at the ground to be swept and tossed.

and the smell of the pumpkin spice and the hot apple cider,
isn't forever in the air of the pumpkin patches they inhibit.
which will soon be packed away as well.


the corn maze will turn into an overgrown field.
it'll be unrecongizable, at best, possibly nonexistent.






autumn, like spring, is a time of change.
and i guess being unsettled is a beautiful thing.
but eventually, all things allay.
however when things are changing,
its special because its rare.

to hell with you and all your friends

painted yesterday.

Today was short. School was long. I had to stay extra for a physics test, I rushed and ate and went to cheer. I gave Mr. Faraone an essay I wrote. Which was short. I ran the fastest six miles I've done in a long time, my ears are still ringing from the music. I stopped when I saw a fluff float by. I caught it, took a picture of it, made a wish, and blew it away. Drew a bit, did a little math, and talked on the phone with Kaci. It was a typical day. I didn't really do much that I wanted. I'm ending today feeling much worse then the day before.

the day i've spent and the essay i wrote.

"These are the days I love. They are they days when you realize it’s not a worker’s world in all means, but it belongs to a poet. For a worker can’t see today as productive in any manner. They would laugh at the notion of spending a day beneath the trees or watching the skies change. To a poet however, these days are the
pinnacle of life. And each day, like today, I want to spend floating in the
world, bumping around, bumbling and slow, like a firefly in a summer night, and
taking in its worth for as long as I can retain it. These are the days that
describe me."

I wrote this essay for Radford today. I'll probably use it for more college things. I also did alot more then this. I saw Amy, we went to the the bagel shop and for a noisy car ride with seat warmers. It was really good. Bagel Shop has great coffee. Vanillia-y or something. I saw an old friend, then he left. But it was going to happen. Yet I can't complain. Its a day in and a day spent well. With my mind somewhat clear and feeling nearly refreshed I'm ready to sleep. Going to sleep knowing I did it all today. All I've wanted to do in a while. And I'm content. Happy even.