i wonder if you realize, i've been waiting till I see it in your eyes.

so it's 12:51 and i'm awake. a couple months ago, this would have never happened. i used to be sensible about sleep, i used to be logical about time. i went to bed around 11, i liked the sleep. i wasn't ever drained, i never felt like i was going to fall asleep and class or that i was dying when i woke up for school. i was healthy, it was healthy. but the world was different then, it was rhythmic routine carried out each day, everyday. it was grey and colorless. it was a world i couldn’t feel. a world i wore a hard shell from. numb splatter. a place where the only opinion to escape was an opinion unthinkable. somehow my defense became routine.

then you happened.

it's funny that i called for math help and ended up connecting with you. i think we both called for reasons beyond school, but it was never said. soon it was routine, we didn’t have to call just to say “uhh did you do number 5? so how was your day.” every night for a long time. four months. i wish i was fully conscious for those days, so i could have given you my all. but i was foggy, you know this. i’m happy you waited. i don’t know why you did. but i’m sorry and thank you. thank you for christmas eve. and i just want to say, i’m so happy for what this has snowballed into.

so i’m losing sleep. sure, i miss waking up without feeling like there are anchors holding my eyelids down, and i miss the ease of each night. but honestly, these feelings aren’t comparable to the feelings you’ve given me. the emotions that were lifeless to me a couple months ago, now engulf each night. you’ve given me back all the things i thought were irreplaceable, and you’ve given me more. i’m seeing the colors i was blind to, unhearing the musical burden that used to follow me like a sad parade. i’m listening to the beating in my chest. i’m in love with falling asleep to your voice, i’m in love with the words you say.

and for the first time in a while, you’ve gone to sleep before i’ve gotten the chance to spill every word i can think of to you. and i stupidly have no idea what to do. i don’t remember how to fall asleep not talking. i don’t like falling asleep without using my phone as a pillow. i’m not sure how to lose track of time or be serene enough to doze. i’m happy though. i’m so happy to be sleep deprived its unimaginable. i'm living unroutinely, freely, spontaneously, unplanned. i'm ready for adventure with you. it was you all along, i just didnt see it clearly until now.

you're the greatest. you are, you are, you are.

i want everything you want.

i want it now too.

i want the things you say.

but i cant figure out how to.

sorry for being so cliche.

but im scared of what i'll lose.

you say we're too young, but maybe you're too old to remember and I try to pretend but I just feel it when we're together.

if you don't believe me, you never really knew us
you never really knew

you could write my words. you could.

i'm complex.

but this is simplicity.

enchanted string this is the fabric

the song you sing and the notes are magic.

things are understood.

for whatever we are.

not quite there. but it's soon to be.

you will. you? will. you? will. you? will.

"you're a boomerang you'll see

you will return to me

if you don't, then this book is all lies

if you don't, then my plans would all be ruined

if you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before

oh, and I, I just won't have a future anymore. "

who's to say

when we lived in california i remember my mom told me a story. she was swimming with the blue waves when she was overcome by the sea. she drove deep down under the ocean. she looked up, down left and right and could only see blue. however she knew which way she'd come from and swam to the sky. and she swam as far as she could unable to breach the surface. she gave up. letting herself drown, quickly falling deeper and deeper into the sea. she closed her eyes for the last time and almost fell into the dark when suddenly, her head popped up into salty air. she looked down, realizing the blue wasn't the sky at all, but the bottomless sea.

maybe i've lost the sky too.

i'm not a hippie but...

"the real world"

we say it implying it is the world in which adults live in.

the world someone had to teach us.

the one that no other creature knew about.

the one we've all been taught to put faith in.

the world of business and law.

of restrictions and "for your own good".

the world of nations and boundaries.

of age limits and tax codes.

i don't know how that could be considered real.

considering all of those are abstract ideas human minds fabricated.

no other natural being comply to this order.

they all follow the laws and the nature of a much realer world.

which sometimes i feel like the only one that understands.

so are government documents realer than the air outside?

do you feel the need to put factory made substances to wash away the nature on you hands before you eat?

does your own unpolished body repulse you more then the synthetic chemicals you can't pronounce on the back of your shampoo bottle?

i want to burn candles not electricity.

i'd rather paint than do obey an artificial reality.

i want to feel safer sleeping on the grass than in my bed.

i will be deprived of money before i am deprived of sunlight.

i will believe in the innate laws of music and land.

before the lines they drew on a map and before doctrines they wrote.

i won't pledge a nation but

i'll entangle in the world.

i'll trust earth before the concept of a government.

and i won't commit to a religion without believing in the stardust and galaxies.

i want to trash all the things they've taught me.

i want the real world to be the world i can see, not the world they want me to believe.

i hope i don't end up like everyone else.