i need you

life isn't about luck, it's about creating happiness.

and as miss crow would say, it's not having what you want, its wanting what you've got.

ps country music is my love

i'm actually in school right now, creative writing to be exact. that's why i'm allowed to blog. it's kind of funny, if i wasnt in class right now, i dont think i would have blogged in a long time, but it's also because of this class that i haven't blogged. i get most of my emotional shit out on a journal we keep for the class. a hand written journal. something i havent used in a while. maybe since africa. yeah, since africa. i dont really feel the need to tell people about my life anymore. i think i thought if i wrote myself down and posted it outloud for people to see, then i would be more understood. or maybe i thought people would care, or read, or maybe enjoy. i think that's why i wrote blogs. however, i think the same people listened to me that would have listened to me even if i didnt have a blog.

when i write i'm feeling something. but it's normally not a good feeling. sometimes i write out of happiness. but most of the time i don't. i wanted to write because i was sad. i wanted to be happy. i'm happier now.

i guess i needed an audience for the slaughter.

and i'm feeling contained. i'm feeling mundane. i'm feeling reused. and turned over. i'm feeling fractionalized and capsized. overcharged and underpriced. i want something else.

im wide awake, it's morning.

right now i hate being awake. in a room full of sleeping bodies. right now i hate their steady breathing. i hate feeling like im the only one whose restless. like im the only one whose mind boils over. like im suppose to be sleeping. if i could go home it'd be okay.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

brushfire fairytales

i've really got nothing to say. and honestly, that could be a good thing. maybe i'm steadier now than before. or just less interesting.

0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89.

my friends. three words.

easy, lucky, free.

playful, rebellious, immature.

cagey, quiet, loving.

aware, analytic, liberated.

clever, puzzling, untamed.

tease, sunny, shimmering.

insecure, homely, high-handed.

searching, sheltered, moonshine.

feeling, uncontrolling, nimble.

logical, folky, lime green.

summer, motherly, garrulous.

tangerine, bright, compassionate.

blissful, classy, affectionate.

what early release did to me

getting off two hours earlier than every other year of high school has truly changed everything.

school is still a bit of a task, but not as much of a burden.

i have time to go get things done after school.

and i can drive around.

hang out with my friends.

but in that way days have blended.

school days aren't school days.

they are just regular days with school attached.

weekends are days without.

but all feel the same.

winter break normally feels like winter break.

this time it just feels like days.

maybe it's not common to feel that way.

but i do.