i wonder if you realize, i've been waiting till I see it in your eyes.

so it's 12:51 and i'm awake. a couple months ago, this would have never happened. i used to be sensible about sleep, i used to be logical about time. i went to bed around 11, i liked the sleep. i wasn't ever drained, i never felt like i was going to fall asleep and class or that i was dying when i woke up for school. i was healthy, it was healthy. but the world was different then, it was rhythmic routine carried out each day, everyday. it was grey and colorless. it was a world i couldn’t feel. a world i wore a hard shell from. numb splatter. a place where the only opinion to escape was an opinion unthinkable. somehow my defense became routine.

then you happened.

it's funny that i called for math help and ended up connecting with you. i think we both called for reasons beyond school, but it was never said. soon it was routine, we didn’t have to call just to say “uhh did you do number 5? so how was your day.” every night for a long time. four months. i wish i was fully conscious for those days, so i could have given you my all. but i was foggy, you know this. i’m happy you waited. i don’t know why you did. but i’m sorry and thank you. thank you for christmas eve. and i just want to say, i’m so happy for what this has snowballed into.

so i’m losing sleep. sure, i miss waking up without feeling like there are anchors holding my eyelids down, and i miss the ease of each night. but honestly, these feelings aren’t comparable to the feelings you’ve given me. the emotions that were lifeless to me a couple months ago, now engulf each night. you’ve given me back all the things i thought were irreplaceable, and you’ve given me more. i’m seeing the colors i was blind to, unhearing the musical burden that used to follow me like a sad parade. i’m listening to the beating in my chest. i’m in love with falling asleep to your voice, i’m in love with the words you say.

and for the first time in a while, you’ve gone to sleep before i’ve gotten the chance to spill every word i can think of to you. and i stupidly have no idea what to do. i don’t remember how to fall asleep not talking. i don’t like falling asleep without using my phone as a pillow. i’m not sure how to lose track of time or be serene enough to doze. i’m happy though. i’m so happy to be sleep deprived its unimaginable. i'm living unroutinely, freely, spontaneously, unplanned. i'm ready for adventure with you. it was you all along, i just didnt see it clearly until now.

you're the greatest. you are, you are, you are.