blue forever like an island sky

catalyst kiss.

little grey floating.

over musty lights on both ends.

world market candels.

and strumming sound.

little bright surfaces.

with deep undertones.

and giggle smiles.

no words construe.

endless conversations with you.

sorry, incapable.

i'm freely falling now,

into a bed of clover,

fighting the end.

gently turning over.

i'm saturated,

filled to the top.

i'm over the level,

where i can safely stop.

i'm checking the vital signs,

that something in me is still alive,

fingers to my wrists,

hoping ingrained tapping in me,

still exists.

i'm closing one eye,

as i'm still turning over,

seeing a new character,

as my future seems graver.

the green is seeping beneath me,

as wave goodbye.

finally turned over,

to face the sky.

you cant come and save me.

and don't ask about my appetite.

lastly, i hate capital letters.

young and full of running

running rooted from an image problem i had sophomore year, and it stemmed from a sanity issue I got soon after. people who know me know i run around six miles each day. people who don’t know me normally think I’m insane. people who do know me know that I am.

each time I put on my tattered running shoes I’m taking a dose of medication, in the form of fresh air, alone time, and movement. the most essential thing about running, for me at least, is having an hour dedicated to thinking freely. without that hour I would have driven myself nuts. it’s an hour to meditate and ease my mind, to forgive myself and to think ahead. i don’t listen to music for the first couple miles. as much as I adore music, sometimes having other people’s thoughts pounding at my ear drums ruins the pureness and the trueness of my own thoughts. i would like to hear my thoughts as well.

but music eventually does play its role in my run. normally nothing fast pace. fast pace songs make me run a lot faster, and as much as i don’t like admitting this, i don’t run to go fast, i run to stay sound. i run to see the changes in the sky, feel the air in the seasons alter, and to hear the leaves crinkle in the fall and the birds sing in the spring.

however I do wonder sometimes, what the fuck am i running from? or running to? or since i’m eventually running back home, did I really go anywhere? i know for a fact I’m not running to a place on a map. so what in my mind am I running from? am I running six miles away from insanity, or running six miles towards sanity? running to euphoria, or away from depression? or since i’m really going no where, am i just working to maintain my level of life, not really doing anything, just remaining. am I six miles away from the things I don’t want in my life, or six miles closer to discovering what that is?

throughout my runs, i’ve been down paths and roads I never knew of. i’ve ran into friends I haven’t seen in ages, and noticed the earth in ways i’ve never dreamed of. i’ve discovered people can’t see you dancing if you run at night, and that tripping is really embarrassing on claiborne. I’ve noticed the things you can’t see in a car, and I’ve stopped in a field and screamed to the sky when I discovered that my life was a enchanted, magical, beautiful creation from a complex web of coincidences and happenings and if one of those had been different, I wouldn’t be here or I wouldn’t be now. i ran at top speed when I declared myself separated from you and mended myself, for the millionth time. I ran in the narrow streets in Italy, with the infamously flirtatious men egging me along. I ran in the refugee camps in gulu, uganda, in the heart of africa. and through the eiffel tower while the vendors handed me a slice of bread to sample jokingly each time I ran past.

(yes that's me)

i’ve run because I can and I’ve run because I felt like I had to.

but in the end I run because it’s my treatment.

dosage, the amount of miles, is determined by the emotions of the day.

the other day, kevin and i were talking about how what kind remedies of some people have. john mayer; weed, conor oberst; alcohol.

well, me; running.

just because i'm blind doesn't mean i'm lost

I’ve thought a lot recently about the way I think. Which is weird, trying to dissect my mind and my eyes. I’ve seen the world through the same perspective for all I can remember and all I’ve known. But what is it really? Is it really the way I see it? I rely on my eyes to show me the world so much, but really there’s more to life then I can see. Eyes are just tools to see the world in certain light; they do not show you the world. So what is the world to me? It’s rock in the eternal, intricate, obscure design of the galaxy. A dust in the compounds of infinity. Where billions of years evolution and of DNA swapping take credit for the delicate structure of life itself. Where minds are neutrons and movements are muscle contractions.

Or a simple place were things grow and things die. And things think and they write. They smile and they laugh. Where they do unreasonable things for no scientific reasons. They play instruments and flail uncontrollably to the beat. Things cry when they’re sad. Things sleep when they’re tired. Things love when they are loved. Things are things being things.

So what is this.

bleak

opposites

it's weird that whenever i say something,

the exact opposite happens.

its like admitting is resolving.

i'm not sure how this always happens.

also,

i wish sleep was different.

i decided this today getting out of my car. i just really didnt want to stand up at that moment, it was raining and i was tired.

i wanted to pause things. to sleep. but the world doesnt go on while i sleep.

just things stop for a bit, no time missing, just until i feel a little better.

its overwhelming to me that i live all my life all at once right in a row.

i just need a break. i dont want to die, no i just want to stop living for a couple minutes. thats all.

blank

I feel mindless. I feel emotionless. music-less. I feel painless, joyless, heartless. wordless. contortionist.

I feel like I've been left out in the cold for too long.
except, the opposite. because my bodys not numb. no actually it's fine. it's my mind.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

too sad to give a fuck

lover you dont have to love

your sleepy songs

ive never been a sleeper
i sleep. but never as long as i should.
hardly tired, barely sleeping.
never bothered me.

we knew it'd be worse overseas.
time changes. airplanes.
you gave me your lullabies.
i guess you were worried.
"you'd have go be crazy to stay awake through this"

this little mix of slow harmonious melodies has yet to put me to sleep.
or anything near.
if anything, it keeps me up at night.

it's turned into an emotional alarm clock rather then a soothing goodnight.

the words bring me back to a time were things were easy, and the world was warm. but when i wake up from the dream, it sets off a frenzy of feelings I haven't felt since. and I plunge further then before.

it's not disappointing. I guess it's more expected.

still tonight i hit play, hoping, wishing, waiting to fall asleep. maybe ill ease my way into it, low volumes at first.

or maybe this will be a permanent reminder that for whatever the reason, I cannot put this to sleep.

"what's so simple in the moonlight by the morning never is"

motion sickness

i was somewhat passing time on the metro, reading a book. until my stomach starting turning and I felt like I was about to throw up all the peanuts I had just eaten. i hate motion sickness. then I was somewhat listening to music, but it made me feel sicker. and it was hot and crowded. picture of perfection. the door closed on my arm on the way out. people starting yelling and trying to open the door. once again I was thrown into the glares of strangers, I just wanted to blend in and not make a fool of myself tonight.

that didn’t happen at the resturant either. my table fighting. screaming practically. beyond humiliated.

I’m extremely nauseous now just writing this, sitting in the car as they fill out paper work for the money the machines took. just trying to pay for the parking. today sucked.

I have to stop writing or I’ll definitely puke.

as in what?

this is kinda stinky.

i'm doing homework intensely.

which hasnt really happened this year.

at all.

because i know i'm working till late tomorrow.

working.

havent said that in a while.

lets see.

i have to do math, government, teacher cadet, which i'm going to do a little now, ouch my eyes hurt.

i didnt have time today to feel alone.

thats cool too i guess.